“Abusers are often ultra nice, particularly after a violent session, it helps with keeping the victim ‘in love’ with them.”
Abuse has featured prominently in my life from around the age of 3 onwards. I do not recall this particular period in my life, perhaps due to mental blockage, but I have been informed from reliable sources that I witnessed much violence towards people I loved. As a result, I had established a firm belief that abuse was all about the physical… as long as I was never physically abused…. it was ok.
I became to realise I was very wrong in my thinking. I met a man, whom swept me off my feet and treated me better than I had ever been treated in my life. He made me feel so special and cherished and loved….. for 6 months. Then…..he began to show his true self…. very gradually, over the next 12 months, he broke me down into a quivering, frightened mess, and (much to my absolute shame) bullied my children into scared quiet mice.
It started with him complaining of tiredness, and therefore grumpiness, so the kids were told to keep quiet most….and then….all of the time. He was a large muscley man (physically intimidating) and I could not imagine many a man (let alone a woman or children) going against his wishes. Name calling came next, and continued on. I was called anything from a lazy slut to a fucking cunt. My kids were not allowed to spend time with me alone, or to laugh or play loudly or LIVE! I was threatened on a daily basis.
It came to a point where my friends and family became worried, but I was too far involved to see a way out. I was too afraid of what he might do to my children, what he might do to me….. I have always considered myself a strong woman, but this guy had me hook line and sinker. His abuse and bullying crept up on us so gradually that it was easy for me to start to think it was my fault. I had done something to cause this beautiful loving man to turn on me and my children. And I was in love….. goddam LOVE!!
My children and I lived in this misery for 12 months. The clincher for me ended up being him pushing me too far and blatantly showing disrespect in front of other people. I was used to the private stuff, but public….. enough was enough. I told him to leave, which he did nicely enough (no believing I meant it) taking what was his, and leaving me with what was mine. I had bought a business and employed him, during our relationship, and I agreed to sell this to him, via a payment plan. He kept in touch, trying to woo me back, but I had grown stronger in my resolve during my time away from him.
Things got nasty, when he met another lady and decided that I owed him money. He ceased making payments for the business, and kept calling and threatening to come and take things from my house. I have never been more frightened in my life, even when he was living with me. There is nothing more daunting than not feeling safe and secure in your own home…. and I hated him with a passion for that feeling he caused in me. Things continued to escalate with calls and drive bys. I decided it was time to take action and saw a solicitor. It was time to take control.
My solicitor sent him a letter explaining that if he did not back off, I would be lodging an Intervention Order. Him and his girlfriend turned up to my work the next day. I had been getting my sons to walk to my work after school so that they were not home alone, should he turn up. They sat in the Reception area of my work, demanding to see me. I called my solicitor and was instructed to send a staff member out to him to explain that he would need to contact my solicitor to communicate with me. In the meantime, I was in the back office in tears that they had had the gall to turn up at my place of work and create a scene.
Eventually they were convinced to leave, but unfortunately my youngest was on his way into the office at the time, and the girlfriend started screaming at him about how his mother is a weak gutless bitch. I saw red. No one fucks with my kids anymore! I applied for an Intervention order the next day. Things were quiet up until the court hearing. I took along a couple of support people and he turned up alone. My order was granted.
I have held much guilt over what I have put my children through in this situation, and have built a wall of protection 5 inches thick, covered in razor wire and guarded by 5 Rottweilers, around my heart to ensure I do not make the same mistake twice. Whilst it breaks my heart to think my children had to live through this horrible experience, in the end, they saw that that kind of behaviour was not to be tolerated, and their mum fought it, and WON. I try to remember this whenever I start to feel the guilt crawl back in.
Goosebumps 
